#12 - Psychoanalysis through Music

Why did these songs resonate?

*A series of works written in one sitting — this one inspired by Shoot Me Dead

The basic premise of self-music psychoanalysis is songs resonate for a reason. And the search for the reason can be insightful. While some songs are just straightforwardly catchy or strike a particular mood, some songs have particular lines and sentiments that obsess me. Some strike some part of me I didn’t really know existed, and those are the most interesting.

"You search outside of yourself to search within yourself, knowing that everything you find has always been a part of you" — Building a Second Brain by Tiago Forte

Today’s song is Shoot Me Dead by Cameron Whitcomb that strikes me at a time when I have other songs straightforwardly about unrequited love. But this song hits a different note.

Here are the particular lines that seem to resonate most:

• Your daughter don't deserve this

• This ain't the first time I've done this neither

• Leaving them believing I ain't just a scumbag heathen

• But I'm a bad man, a quick sand trap

• I'm sorry, baby, I'm a liar

• How is it possible to love someone else if I can't even love myself?

• I said "I love you" but I, I never even meant it, yeah

• Romeo and Juliet

• But Juliet don't know that I've been talking with Annette

• I lost my conscience long ago, and I've been tryna get it back

My approach here will be throwing out potential explanations.

• There is a raspy romance in being the troubled playboy.

• Ego defense, narcissistic injury. In avoiding commitment and hurting people, he is avoiding actually belonging and identifying with Juliet. He has a sense there’s more important, smarter, hotter people he should be hanging out with that he will someday meet. For now, he is unattached and ambivalent.

• A beauty/romanticism of a tragic self awareness. He knows he is fucking up, he knows he fucked up.

  • There's a kind of beauty and the beast undertones in the song. One hopes to fix such a troubled man.

• Do I want to be this character? Is my capacity to be a bad person limited by the environment? If I could easily be a fuck boy or sell out for money, would I? Maybe I'm just a bad person. When the chips are down, maybe I'll just take them all and walk away.

Another strange song in my collection of liked songs hit a similar or adjacent spot in a harder way. There seemed to be some sort of mental block in analyzing the later lyrics like I would be scared of what I would see. I imagine just the name "deepfake" told me everything I could find if such a song resonated.

Here are the particular lines that seem to resonate most:

• I am using my imagination x5

• Weed makes me panic

• How do you do what you love when you’re sick in the brain?

• Just to find out that I was a fake (I'm not I just want to escape)

• Cause behind the smile I'm so pissed

• But I won't be showing emotions

• No I'm not even telling my close friends

• You can't fix me now I'm too broken

• Now I'm hardly copin, I don't know how much more I can take

• Cause my whole personality’s fake

• And I want someone else in my place

Yesterday I wrote of Satre’s definition of authenticity as being aware of the fundamental ambiguity at the heart of all humans. In the existentialist view, all human values originate from humans. And what is distinctive about humans is their capacity to choose to be a sort of person ie transcendence of their circumstance(facticity). Deciding not to be a type of person is “bad faith”, a self deception, but resolute commitment seems impossible to Satre as a decision to believe is more self-deception. “Good faith” might only be possible if I believe, but I also acknowledge my ability to retract the belief. Authenticity is a deep internalization and understanding of this inherent tension between being and nothingness.

In other words, I try hard to be a good, moral person. But there’s also a sense that “my whole personality’s fake”. With my awareness of the arbitrariness of values, I fear that I’m a deepfake cloaked seeking social approval. My vision of taking a longterm stand in edtech betting on the rarity of such a commitment was quickly abandoned. After experiencing worldview collapse, I have the safety that I could reorient my entire value system so that I could believe “I said ‘I love you’ but I, I never even meant it”. This is useful, but the very knowledge shakes my very ability to believe to its core. Perhaps, I will make grand, load bearing future commitments like a wife and kids all “just to find out that I was a fake.” “How do you do what you love when you’re sick in the brain?” How can you seriously make longterm commitments in such an arbitrary world? “I don’t know how much more I can take”. Not trying is easier, but here I fight to stand for something.